My Life...

People Disgust Me

2006-09-14T18:30:32Z

I am getting sick of most people in general. They talk about getting their hair done, eating out, buying some expensive toy they do not need, while there are people going hungry and just trying to get by with what they have. I have started to find myself being the person who is barely getting by. Yes I have an expensive apartment, a decent car that is paid for, etc. I have something because I expected, which I know I should never expect anything, things to be better with this new job. I thought regular pay every two weeks would really help me budget. Mostly what is hurting me is an inexperienced driver on my insurance policy. This is not her fault, but the fault of her parents. The least they could have done was add her as a "non-driver" which would have made her experienced cause she has had insurance for three years.

Those parents are dead-beats anyway. They assume I am rich and now can afford anything I please just because of the way I grew up. The way I grew up and the way my life is not are two totally different things. I have made some stupid choices in my life, one of those was buying a motorcycle. That I believe is the dumbest thing I have done to date. I owe more than it is worth, thus I can't sell it. I'm basically screwed with just paying the payments on it but not riding it. One guy was really interested but he wanted me to keep the payments in my name. I later found out him and his wife filed Chapter 7 a few years back and didn't want this on their credit report. By him just paying the payments I would have nothing to fall back on if he just stopped paying them. Yes I could get the bike back BUT my credit would just be fucked.

That would probably save me $200 a month and allow me room to breathe, maybe. I have been trying to find a better paying job and failing. I know this is just me ranting and I'm tired of people telling me "such and such has it worse off than you". You know what I have a big middle finger to those people who have told me that because just because someone has A.I.D.S. doesn't mean I don't have a right to complain about my own life. Things are peachy just because I am not dying of some horrible disease.

I have but the lyrics from my favorite Tool song to leave you with.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and

Fuck all his clones.

Fuck all these gun-toting

Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.

Fuck your tattoos.

Fuck all you junkies and

Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands

With hidden agendas.

Fuck these dysfunctional,

Insecure actresses

Meh

2006-09-08T16:50:28Z

Life has just been one thing after another. Lucy finally got her car after I got a loan to pay off what her dad owed on it ($3000) and then added her to my insurance policy which makes its $260 / month now for 3 yrs. Then her igintion switch finally died and had to get that fixed ($280). It seems not matter what I can't get ahead. I am dead broke right now and the only way I am getting lunch is because yesterday and today the company I work for bought everyone lunch. I also feel like I don't ever do anything besides work or sit at home. I don't really have the money to go out anymore, Lucy is working more nights now, and its just me whining and bitching again like everyone says I do. The whole "woe is me" thing as they like to put it. Which pisses me off as in I am just doing it to get attention, etc. The wellbutrin I am on is helping a lot but not fixing my social problems. I can't hang out with anyone from work because 1) I work in Marion 2) everyone is older than me 3) I wouldn't want to hang out with really anyone here (minus a few and you know you are beens).

Everyone I turn I am spending money I don't have. Lucy doesn't really make that much working and mostly just helps with gas money for both of us. I am going to really cut back on everything I do. No more eating out, no more eating out for lunch, stop going to Hookah Joes which is where I go to relax, etc.

I have my health, roof over my head, food the majority of the time, a car, a gf, etc. But to be honest I have always had those things and I guess I take them for granted. I didn't have a gf for about a year and I almost died, literally. I probably would have if I hadn't stopped drinking. The scary part is I feel myself slipping back into that, at least somewhat because I will be more alone when I get home cause Lucy will be at work until about time to go to bed and at work I'm always alone anyway unless someone needs me to refill their printer with paper.

I am still waiting on Raliegh to call me back from that interview I had last week. I'd probably take the job if the money was right, but I doubt I got the job or they would be willing to pay me enough to justify moving. I am also still trying to get over some ex's in my life. Yes its been almost 2 yrs for one and 3yrs for another but I always find it hard to let go, because I knew both of those were my fault. I guess I just find it hard to live with myself knowing some people hate me so much that they would probably wouldn't care to much if I died.

I have a girl-friend now that I know loves me more than anything but lately it seems she isn't really there mentally. She leaves the house a mess and I have to fuss to get her to even help with it. She says she is "home sick" which I find a little immature but what can you do. We don't get to see each other much and I was hoping I would get to spend some time with her this Saturday while I have to work 12 hours so it would make it more bearable, but her brother is having a birthday party and thus she will stay there until I get off work @ 7pm. I'm not even going to bother calling her or call her when I get off. She can come home when she wants to.

I have also started to believe that Karma is a lying son of a bitch. I think I do a lot of nice things for people, go out of my way part of the time, and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. I just don't get it anymore or really see a point in life. If things are suppose to get better you would think you would see even a dim light at the end of the tunnel, yet all I see is tunnel getting longer.

Please Read

2006-06-16T04:31:06Z

If you know me well, then you know how I have felt over the past several years about life, death, suicide, etc. This has really struck my attention and I just found it by accident 30 seconds ago. I was watching a horrible movie, BloodRayne (don't watch it, but you do get to see the main characters boobies for a little bit so I guess its not 100% horrible), and found went to see what MrCranky had to say about it. He hadn't seen it and thought to myself what else does MrCranky have to offer and well I found this

So please read it..

http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/rip.html

Not sure

2006-06-12T02:12:33Z

I am not totally sure what is wrong with me but I am just not happy. I think the main thing is my gf works 3rd so that cuts into together time but mostly we can't hang out with other people or on the weekends. I am just bored and feeling old because all I do is go to work and come home. Maybe go out to eat once a week but that's about it. The only people I talk to is her, my mom, a few people at work (if they are having problems or someone wants to show me something funny). I need some change in my life but not sure where to start. Also I don't know how to really get caught up with bills such as creditcard and such (btw don't ever get one). I know the reason people post online such as LJ. Its easier to get out thoughts without worrying about being judged, at least not face to face, and to hopefully get some kind of advice.

Just wish I knew what to do or change. Somethings are easier said than done, plus I can't easily talk to anyone.

28 Day Slater, part 2

2006-05-15T02:45:28Z

Full of little Saved By The Bell references for the hardcore fans.

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1688436/

Sleep Test

2006-04-28T15:58:14Z

Find your own pose!

Colon Traits and Tendencies

The Colon is the chosen pose of individuals who, on their own, seem awkward or remote. They may be the sort who responds to telephone messages with email, or spends their lunchtimes quietly pedometer-walking in lieu of socializing with coworkers. But when a Colonist finds its mate, together they acquire a grace and ease that surprises friends and family.

Comfort Zone
The Colon is one of the Sea Sleeper poses. Other Sea poses you might try: The Ticket Puncher and Sixth Posture of the Perfumed Forest.

A Note About Coping
Since Colonists rely so heavily on their partners to give them context and spark, the times when business or family obligations take one of them away from home can leave both sleepers demoralized. To temporarily fill the void, swap in a large, carnival-sized stuffed animal, making sure to keep candles, space heaters, or other combustibles well away from the bedside.

Photoshop Phriday

2006-04-28T15:07:13Z

SomethingAwful.com as always has another Photoshop Phriday that is classic. Here are some of the ones I enjoyed.

This weeks theme was Simplified Movies

Update

2005-12-28T19:15:27Z

Website updated

Blog

2005-10-25T07:41:55Z

Colbybeam.com go there from now on.

Update

2005-10-18T22:23:35Z

So I think Nick, my other room-mate, bought one of the new condo's that will be open in 10 months. Seems a long way out but I at least have some clue where I will be if I'm still here then. It would be pretty sweet actually. Also I'm going to get a job at Best Buy so I don't have to keep driving Marion. Omg that is going to be so great. At least I would have benefits and have some regular pay check.

I'm such a geek

2005-10-18T17:24:43Z

Nintendo Choir

Net Tools

2005-10-17T23:47:07Z

I found this cool net tool on digg.com. Some of the programs are useful and some aren't but I have upload the file to my website and you can grab it here.

Here are a few screenshots

You know

2005-10-17T23:37:05Z

You know you're a dork/geek/whatever when you bring your laptop into the bathroom with you so you can talk to ppl on aim.

Post Secret

2005-09-29T03:53:46Z

Mail your secrets in on a 3x5 card. Updated every sunday.

read more | digg story

DOPE - Spine For You

2005-07-16T15:57:18Z

Somethin's wrong with my life and I'm crazy
Somethin's hard on my mind, guess who
It's tough to live with the lights on maybe
All we need is a spine for you

Somethin's wrong with my mind and I'm angry
Somethin's hard on my life, guess who
It's tough to light what we live for maybe
All we need is a spine for you

Super guy is a long way baby
MR. Man's not tired of you
Procrastination's the long way maybe
All we need is a spine for you

Bam, I'd like to bash you in the head
Damn, I cant make sense of what you've said
Man, that's just the way it's always been
Yeah, I guess I'm better off dead
F**k tomorrow, f**k tomorrow

So I'm told suicide's outdated
Yeah, what's misery supposed to do
Sell your soul or it's lights out maybe
All we need is a spine for you

What you willin to fight for baby
Sacrifice you should be used to
Are you willin to die for it maybe
All we need is a spine for you

Bam, I'd like to bash you in the head
Damn, I cant make sense of what you've said
Man, that's just the way it's always been
Yeah, I guess I'm better off dead
F**k tomorrow, f**k tomorrow

What you willin to fight for baby
Sacrifice I've been used to
Are you willin to die for it maybe
All we need is a spine for you

DOPE - Kimberly's Ghost Lyrics

2005-07-16T15:52:33Z

I dont know what makes me hard for you
I dont know what I'm about to do, yeah
I dont need this anymore
My head is broke my eyes are sore
And man you wated everything
I never wanted anything from you

What can I do, I dont need you
Now that it's through what will I do
Whats it to you, I can hate too
Thats what I'll do, What about you

I dont know what makes me come for you
I dont knw theres nothing left to do, yeah

Sometimes we all make mistakes
I've made my share I can relate
I've taken all thatI can take
I gave my all, so here's goodbye to you

What ca I do, I dont need you
Now that its through, what will I do
Whats it to you, I can hate too
Thats what I'll do, what about you

Some will live and some will die
You never listen, nevermind
I couldnt give this one more night
And when you're gone I'll still be tired of you

What can I do, I dont need you
Now that is through, what will I do
Whats it to you, I can hate too
Thats what I'll do, what about you
</pre>

nine inch nails - something i can never have

2005-07-14T03:24:22Z

i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.

come on tell me.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.

you'll make this all go away.
you'll make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you'll make this all go away.
you'll you make this all go way.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have

in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

i just want someone.
i just want something i can never have
i just want someone i can never have
think i know what you meant.
that night on my bed.
still picking at this scab
i wish you were dead.
you sweet and perry ellis.
just stains on my sheets.

New hair

2005-07-11T21:21:22Z

I got my hair bleached today but only the tips and only on the top..

Here is a picture....

I'm back

2005-07-10T15:24:47Z

After a long and needed break from LiveJournal I have decided to come back. Mostly because it is easier to keep these updated than my website. I really don't know what I want to do with the website anyway. Nothing exciting has happened in the past several months but I will give you a quick run down.

Moved out on my own

Ex moved in until she found a place

Became an alcoholic for 2 months

Moved in with one of (my only) best friend

Wreaked my motorcycle, bent a few things no big deal

Got screwed over hard-core over a girl

Happy

Trying to figure out how things will go from now on

Finding out what I should do about my current relationships

Happy again

Wishing something would go my way for once

Confused

So there that's me in a nutshell.